I’ve waited for 10 years, but I can’t put it off any longer

Published 6:35 pm Tuesday, September 23, 2014

I tried. When five years had passed, I got a reprieve. When I had it done the first time, the doc said, “See you in five years.” I wiped my brow, thanked him and began dreading when the time would be up.

Then, Hallelujah! Medical science, if there is such, extended the time “in between” to ten years. But, as they say, time waits for no man, and time is up!

What am I writing about? First, let me say that I am writing this column ahead of schedule. The midweek Post-Searchlight is printed late Tuesday and I wait until Tuesday morning to write my column. It’s Monday afternoon and I’m writing in advance because, if all goes as scheduled, I will be out-of-pocket on Tuesday morning. I’ll be “celebrating” the 10th year anniversary of my first colonoscopy.

Now I know what it means to be “dragged kicking and screaming.” The only problem with that picture is that I will be too weak to fight the dragging. Between now and tomorrow morning, I have to drink 42 gallons of liquid. I might as well open my mouth and let the Flint River in for a few minutes.

When Dave Barry was writing for the Miami Herald he wrote about his colonoscopy and it was one of his most requested columns. He said there were four reasons people put off getting colonoscopies. Number one was that they were too busy. The next two reasons were no history of cancer in family and no noticeable problems.

In the end (funny word for this subject), the fourth and only reason that counted was that nobody wants 17,000 feet of tubing inserted in their bodies. I didn’t use the particular place of entrance because of my knowledge of Scripture.

In Paul’s First Letter to the Corinthians, he writes of the church as a human body with all the different parts. In the 23rd verse he writes “the parts that are less presentable are treated with special modesty.” If I get the chance tomorrow, I will mention that to the Christian doctor. Or maybe I will remind him of one of my favorite Otis Redding songs, “Try a Little Tenderness.”

Most adults my age have had a colonoscopy and that’s good. Colon cancer is one cancer that can be detected early and the best way for detection is a colonoscopy. The procedure itself is not what most people dread. It’s the preparatory day before that we remember.

I mentioned the large amount of solution to be consumed. One of the most recognizable names for the solution is truly ironic. It’s called GoLytely. Well let me tell you. Once you have gone a few rounds with Mr. GoLytely, the last thing you do is go lightly!

I looked it up on its website. You would think that it is the latest craze mixture for daiquiris. The pictures are of lemons, limes, cherries, and pineapples. I think by the time I’m through with this thing, I’ll want to take a trip of Margaritaville. Come to think of it, a trip there might be good before this thing gets started.

I’m joking of course. The hospital has called. I’m first on the list and all that is between me and 17,000 feet of tubing is 42 gallons of GoLytely.

Oh, the website says, after drinking, I may feel a little abdominal fullness and bloating.

I wonder what genius wrote that.