It’s ‘on the wagon’ time for me!

Published 8:41 am Tuesday, November 13, 2012

This may come as a surprise for many of you, but I have decided to seek professional help. I’m going on the wagon. I am officially entering “political” detox. It’s rehab for me. I think there are about 48 percent of Americans who might need the same kind of treatment.

I decided to call a doctor. Even though I don’t know any psychiatrists, I figured to get the best help I could. Since he has not been so busy for many years due to the death of his most famous patient, I called Dr. Vinnie BoomBatz, the former medical genius who had helped Rodney Dangerfield feel better about himself after getting no respect.

Dr. Vinnie is not a Doctor of Psychology or Psychiatry, but he did have a sign on the wall of his office that read “Don’t Worry! I Stayed in a Holiday Inn Express.” I knew I was at the right office when, while waiting, General David Petraeus came out after the seeing the doctor and seemed to be laughing.

Email newsletter signup

“Next,” Dr. Vinnie boomed! “Mr. Lynn Roberts.”

“Now what can I do for you, Mr. Roberts?” the good doctor asked.

I began to explain that since last Wednesday I had been seeing visions of Karl Rove’s white board as I slept. I told the doctor that Rove seemed to be talking about Ohio and how the southern tip of Hamilton County had multiplied into millions of Republican votes while Cleveland was due a lake-effect snowstorm off Lake Erie. As a result, the President would get 3.2 percent fewer votes than in 2008 and Romney would whup up on him in the great state of Ohio.

Dr. BoomBatz began to caress his chin and surmise.

“I see,” he ventured. “You seem to have a very serious case of Fantastical Presidential Elect-ilitus. You would not believe the number of cases I have seen this week. Tell me something about your daily schedule.”

“Well, Doc, I wake up at about 5:00 in the morning. I turn my Joe DiMaggio Mr. Coffee Machine on, along with my laptop computer with the homepage of ‘Real Clear Politics.’ As my coffee makes, I read columns by Charles Krauthammer and Dick Morris.

Dr. BoomBatz was not even taking notes. He had heard this before.

“After a few columns, I turn on the television to “Way Too Early” with Willie Geist. After Willie, there is Morning Joe and Fox and Friends. I watch those programs for a while then switch to radio. There is Glenn Beck, Laura Ingraham, and Rush Limbaugh.”

I continued, “After Rush rants and raves for a few hours, I go back to television and it is switching back and forth between Fox and MSNBC. It all came to a head last Tuesday and I have had trouble sleeping ever since. What can I do?”

“No worries,” he said. “I’ll write you a prescription that should work.”

I looked at the prescription. It read: “Rip Van Winkle Pills (Good for four years of sleep).”