The latest and most unbelievable poll yet

Published 8:20 am Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Hold the presses! After a few minutes when no 2012 Presidential Poll was released, a most amazing and staggering poll has been released.

According to the most recent, the one and only, Pe-Ugh (not to be confused with Pew) Presidential Poll, Mitt Romney should coast through the Nov. 6 election with an undeniable victory. The Pe-Ugh Research Center does not claim accurate scientific sampling for the poll and its margin of error could be anywhere from plus- or minus-infinity.

At the same time, Pe-Ugh President Bubba Dorfmann is confident in his results. “We have gone to great lengths to get the most accurate information from those closest to the candidates.”

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It seems that the poll was taken by telephone to the residences of the families directly related to the presidential candidates. Bubba, himself, made the calls and asked the probing question, “Who ya gonna vote for?”

The first set of calls was made to Ann Romney and her five sons. That’s six possible votes and, five of the six — or 83 percent — indicated their vote for Mitt Romney. When asked why it wasn’t 100 percent, Bubba surmised that one of the boys had seen their daddy’s will, and the boy’s refusal to clean off the back windshield of the car after the dog that had ridden on top had resulted in a reduction in his “fair share.”

“The next portion of the survey was a little more difficult,” Bubba acknowledges. “I tried to call Michelle, Sasha, and Malia at the White House, but they were out in the garden tending to the turnips. It took three calls, but I finally got through. They were 100 percent for Barack.”

After the tallying of the unscientific and ludicrous poll, the results were five absolutes for Romney and three absolutes for Obama, with one Romney son wavering as he considered his vote and tied it to a better deal from daddy.

The poll is not without its detractors, however. Presidential campaign director, David Axelbaum, poo-pooed the Pe-Ugh poll.

“I’ve never seen such a skewed and unscientific poll. Bubba Dorfmann has always been a Romney man and he could have at least included the family of Vice President Joe Biden. That would have balanced out the fact that Mormons have such large families.”

Dorfmann responded, “I can see Axelbaum’s point and I tried to call and include Biden’s family, but they were all busy with intervention therapy for the VP. It seems that someone told the VP that if he kept making those faces, one day a freeze might come along and he would be stuck with them. His family is trying to find a place that could help thaw out that devilish grin of his.”

One final question for us all. Where would we be without all these polls? Bubba Dorfmann, pollster extraordinaire answers. “How would I know? I just didn’t have anything else to do!”