Here’s a little ‘church bulletin’ humor

Published 8:14 am Tuesday, September 18, 2012

It’s the middle of September and raining outside (Tuesday). I may not be too much of a prognosticator, but I am pretty sure there will be no peanuts picked today. It seems to be a good day for backing the picker under the shelter and working on that belt that is slipping or that chain with a weak link.

For a preacher, it’s a good day for preparing a sermon and working on bulletins. With that in mind, I bring to your attention some one-liners from bulletins past. I have made my share of mistakes, but these were not mine. They are pretty funny to me and I hope you enjoy the laugh.

These little funnies show the importance of one word or two. For instance, in praying for the sick, we might be thinking of those in our congregations or communities. This line from a bulletin, though, made the mistake of using the wrong preposition and said, “Remember in prayer the many who are sick ‘of’ our church and community.” There could be more truth in that than meets the eye.

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Some churches have a variety of programs, including one, like Weight Watchers, that might be for helping some lose a few pounds. One must be careful, though, in announcing such programs. Don’t use this line. “Jean will be leading the weight-management series on Wednesday nights. She uses the program herself and has been growing like crazy!” Uh-oh.

Here is a good one about one of the Holy Sacraments, baptism. “This afternoon there will be meetings in the North and South ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.” Sprinkled or immersed?

Christian holidays are great days for the church. Easter is one of my favorites and I would really have liked the opportunity to attend this service. “This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.” That could be very interesting.

The pastor can get in lots of trouble doing the work of the Lord, but this pastor is walking on some very thin ice. “Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mother’s Club. All ladies wishing to become ‘Little Mothers’ will meet with the pastor in his study.” All at one time?

I love covered dish meals and am blessed to be pastor at two churches that really know how to make great dishes. I am not so sure about this one, though. “A bean supper will be held on Tuesday night. Music will follow.” Say what?

One more for those who might not believe in heaven or hell. “At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.”

Don’t forget to read your bulletin. It might contain a doozy!