Don’t squeeze the Charmin

Published 2:50 pm Tuesday, April 14, 2020

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For the life of me, I don’t get the toilet paper thing. I was at a store the other day and a Brinks truck was out front. It’s the first time I’d ever seen such security. The National Guard was surrounding the truck and I asked, “What’s the fuss all about?”

“Stand back Sonny,” the main guard said. “We’re about to take out a 12-pack of Charmin.”

Remember Mr. Whipple and the commercials about squeezing the Charmin? During these days, I can just see that old commercial being made. Mr. Whipple is surrounded by armed guards. He’s in a hazmat suit making love to a roll of toilet paper.

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I received this funny message the other day. “The rapture has occurred and we missed it. The rolls were called up yonder!”

Or how about the latest William Devane commercial?

“I worked hard for my money and I’m not about to lose it now. You know how I protect my resources? I buy toilet paper. Those little squares are much more valuable than the gold I used to buy from Rosland Capital. You know where I get my toilet paper? Not at stores. Those shelves are empty. I drive my 18 wheeler right up to the Proctor and Gamble plant in Albany, Georgia. I say, ‘Load her up, boys!’ I know you can’t do the same as I, so if you would just send me the deed to your property, I’ll send you a roll of toilet paper. What’s in your bathroom?”

From the “I Thought You’d Never Ask” file, I imagined you wanted to know more about toilet paper. That’s why Google and I are here!

Believe it or not, the coronavirus was not the only thing to begin in China. The use of toilet paper was first mentioned in the writings of China during the 6th century. In the beginning, it was used only by the emperor’s family, but in the 14th century the Chinese began the mass production of the toilet accessory.

In the United States, the toilet paper industry was begun in 1857 by Joseph Gayetty in New York City. He packaged his “medicated toilet paper,” not in a roll, but flat sheet upon flat sheet. A thousand sheets sold for one dollar and his name was on every sheet.

It was the Scott brothers, Irvin and Clarence, in the 1890’s that began to manufacture toilet paper on a roll. Little did Irvin and Clarence know that in 2020 there would be the Great Toilet Paper War.

Fast forward to the year 2040. A little fellow is sitting upon a well-to-do grandfather’s lap. “Grandpa, what really happened during the toilet paper shortage of 2020?”

“Well, it was a dangerous time. Thankfully, our corn crop was good the previous year, and we made lots of money with corncobs.” The little boy asked, “Corncobs?”

Grandma came in the room and grandpa whispered, “Never mind. I’ll tell you later.”

My stockbroker was laughing and joking and I asked, “How can you be so upbeat? My portfolio has declined almost 30 percent in the last month!”

“I understand,” he said, “but I bought 1000 shares of Cottonelle a few months ago for ten dollars a share. Now, I’m a millionaire.”

My daughter lives in Syracuse, NY. She called me last night crying, “Daddy, we’re down to our last two sheets. What are we going to do?” She was distraught and desperate.

“Honey, don’t despair,” I pleaded with her. “Donna Sue and I have two rolls. I’m going to Going Postal and I’ll overnight you one of them. Just, when you get it, know how much I love you. But don’t squeeze the Charmin.”