A high-fruit diet for Congress

Published 4:31 pm Tuesday, March 28, 2017

In my never-ending search for the truth, I read of a scientific study in a British newspaper that was intriguing. It might help with our mess in Washington if we could put the Congress on a high-fruit diet. That is, if you agree with me that their brains need to reach a larger mass!

Before I introduce you to the study let me make just a comment on the size of the brain of the average congressman. You’ve heard of “pea brain?”

You’ve heard of faith the size of a mustard seed? I suggest that the average congressman has a mass in his or her cranium that is somewhere between a pea and a mustard seed.

So you won’t be critical of my analysis, let me say that my brain has been examined by a neurologist who performed an CT scan of my entire cranial area and pronounced, “I have found nothing up there!”

Regarding the study that was highlighted in The Telegraph, Science Editor Sarah Knapton wrote that “scientists have discovered a link between the amount of fruit eaten by primates and the size of their brains.”

I don’t usually consider myself a primate; I prefer to be called a human, although there have been times when I have said, “Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.” I think that is known as figuratively speaking.

The study points out that, in the past, science thought that primate’s brains evolved to a larger extent because they needed to know how to socialize. They needed to keep track of who was the king of the mountain and the brain fulfilled the need to get bigger through the mysterious concept of evolution.

Now, according to these experiments, there is a simpler view. Primates and humans have “eaten” their way to bigger, more complex brains. I’m not sure I agree with this study. If it were true that we could eat our way to being smarter, I know lots of people who would be on their way to being Einsteins!

Even our American propensity to obesity would be viewed not negatively, but as a good thing. The fatter we get, the better to figure out all those immense problems that face us.

Which brings me to Congress. Our elected men and women have not distinguished themselves with brilliant ideas and solutions lately. In fact, if there have been any solutions to our myriad of problems, I must have missed them.

So, how about our Capitol restaurants changing their menus to reflect this new study. Let’s put our Congress on a High-Fruit diet. They should appreciate it, wouldn’t you think? After all, they’re already a little “tutti-frutti.”

We’ll have to be careful, though. No apples.

It only takes one bad apple to ruin the whole bunch and I think there’s at least one up there already.

Also, no bananas. The fruit, itself, may be alright, but we wouldn’t want someone slipping on the peel and falling. Our healthcare is about to collapse and, since they can’t come to an agreement about that, who would pay for the broken leg?

Watermelon sounds pretty good to this ole boy, but I’m sure it wouldn’t take long for someone to say it’s racist to serve watermelon.

Grapes. Nothing wrong with grapes, right? Au contraire, the Democrats would want the Republicans to “Peel me a grape” and the war of words would escalate to the point where a food fight would break out in the healthy fruit-serving diner.

Maybe a Fruit-Free diet is not the answer to growing the brains of our Congressmen. Maybe they don’t have any!