Am I losing my mind?

Published 4:45 pm Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Doctor Schuyler Roidman is a dream analyst and part-time psychiatrist. Many of his patients call him Dr. Schizoid for short. I had a dream the other night and sought Dr. Roidman’s analysis.

His office is located in a pack house in Cyrene, near Brinson. Dr. Roidman’s telephone number is not listed and anyone trying to get in touch with him will be disappointed if they have any sense at all. I don’t, so I was able to talk, fairly easily, with Dr. Schizoid about my dream.

Dreams are mysterious and I asked the doctor if everyone dreamed.

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“Most definitely,” the doctor said. “Especially when they are asleep.”

I wanted to get off on the right foot with Dr. Roidman so I told him this joke about dreams.

A woman, after she awoke, told her husband, “I dreamed you gave me an expensive and beautiful diamond necklace for our anniversary. I wonder what my dream meant?” She batted her eyes, smiled, and was all lovey-dovey.

Her husband mysteriously responded, “You’ll see tonight.”

That evening, he arrived home with an anniversary gift all beautifully wrapped. His wife opened the package excitedly and with great anticipation. Her husband had given her a book, “The Meaning of Dreams.”

Dr. Roidman did not laugh and, in fact, said, “Dreams are no laughing matter. Why don’t you lie down on my hide-a-bed and tell me about your dream, but before you do, do you have the $50 dollar fee?”

“Yes,” I said. “I have two $30 dollar bills. Do you have any change?”

“I do,” Dr. Schizoid said. “Here’s a seven and a three.” Then I began to talk to the doctor.

I told him my dream was long and complicated.

“I was to be a participant in a very important event. I needed to look very competent and was going to wear my best suit. As I was putting on the coat, I realized that the pants were missing.”

“So far, easy-peasy,” Dr. Roidman said. “Your suit is your brain and your competence for this very important event. The fact that you found your coat but the pants were missing means that your brain was only half there.”

“But,” I quickly added. “I found the pants. Does that mean I found the rest of my brain?”

“Maybe,” the Doc said.

I told him that as I was putting on the pants, I noticed a stain and began to try and rub it off, but, instead, rubbed a hole in the pants rendering them unusable.

“Aha!” Dr. Schizoid exclaimed, “Your brain was deficient.”

I continued and told him that I had other suits and they would be just as good. So, I looked in all the closets but could not find another suit. It was most unusual. I began to get frustrated because so many people at the event were counting on me. I did not want to disappoint them.

“Umhh,” the Doctor placed his thumb and fingers up to his chin. “Most interesting. Continue.”

“I looked all over the house in every closet and could not find another suit to wear. What does all of this mean, Doctor? I scared.”

Dr. Roidman seemed confident as he spoke. “Have no fear. This is a dream that is very common; maybe not in details, but in meaning. The suit is your mind and it is working fully when you wear coat and pants. The fact that you cannot find a suit anywhere in your house has to mean that you have lost your mind!”

I looked at Dr. Schizoid. I’ve lost my mind?