Why one outstanding candidate won’t be running for president

Published 4:38 pm Friday, April 24, 2015

My fellow Americans, it is with heavy heart that I announce to you today that I will not be a candidate for President of the United States in 2016.

I know there are those among you who believe our country would be better off if I was running things. Of course, there are also those among you who think our country would be better off if I stuck my head in a pickle vat.

I had wanted to twitter my decision to you but I was told that I should have a hash tag.

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I asked Junior E. Lee, general manager of the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company, located in Greater Garfield, Georgia, if he knew what hash tags were. He said hash tags is a side dish smothered in onions and served at Waffle House. I think Junior is making that up because the closest Waffle House to Garfield is in Sandersville and his pest control commitments rarely allow him time to go to Sandersville, let alone eat at the Waffle House.

My main objective in becoming president would be to restore the power and prestige of the office. As recently noted, the current occupant, President Swivelhead, couldn’t crack Fortune Magazine’s World’s Greatest Leaders, even though the women’s basketball coach at Princeton and the finance minister of Nigeria did. That’s embarrassing.

I asked Junior E. Lee why that was. I doubt Junior knows as much about hash tags as he claims, but no one questions that in addition to being a certified pest control professional, the man is an astute observer of politics. That is a rare combination.

Junior said Barack Obama didn’t make the list of the World’s Greatest Leaders because nobody in this country thinks he is a great leader except out-of-touch-with-reality movie stars and a few liberal you-know-whats in the media. Most of the rest of the world isn’t very high on him, either. Cuba, for example, ranks him behind Desi Arnaz, Jr. and Cookie Rojas, former second baseman for the Philadelphia Phillies.

Selecting a vice presidential candidate would have been a critical decision. Vice presidents need to be a tad goofy so they can make their boss look smart. Remember Dan Quayle? Al Gore was an exception. He wasn’t goofy; he was just dull as a tree stump. Dick Cheney, aka, Oscar the Grouch, shot a hunting buddy in the rump. I am told he thought the rump looked like a pheasant. And then there is Joe Biden, who takes goofiness to a level that borders on ethereal.

Given the high bar established for vice presidential candidates, my obvious choice for running mate was Cynthia McKinney, former Member of Congress, one-time Green Party candidate for president and currently Ambassador to Outer Space.

Alas, it was not to be. We were unable to locate her. Last we heard she was running blockades on Uranus.

Of course, all the candidates are going to be talking about the same stuff: Immigration, health care, the economy, a strong foreign policy and whether or not florists should be required to sell trolliuses to transvestites.

I, on the other hand, would have focused on more substantive matters. My platform would have included banning the term “you know” from the English language (and to be on the safe side, “ya sabes” from Spanish.) Admittedly, it would be hard to enforce such a law but it would be, you know, worth a try.

In my administration, school teachers would be paid what wide receivers in the National Football League get paid and wide receivers would get half a school teacher’s salary, which is a good bit more than they are worth. School teachers would then collectively buy out the Koch brothers and make them and their sycophants in the Legislature teach school while the rest of us sat around and second-guessed them.

I would have opened up negotiations with Mexico and begged them to take California back and apologize for having taken it from them in the first place. If Mexico didn’t want the place, maybe we could give it to Venezuela. Just as long as we get it out of the U.S.

Truly, I would have been a great president.

So why am I not running? The Woman Who Shares My Name told me that if I even considered the idea, she would ram broccoli up my nose and throw me out of the house. End of discussion.

I’ll bet Bill didn’t talk to Hillary like that.