Cupid, I’ll tell you where to stick that arrow

Published 7:33 pm Friday, February 13, 2015

Ahhhh Valentine’s Day.

Candy hearts and flowers and declarations of love in the form of Hallmark cards and Facebook feeds full of engagement announcements. Gag me.

Yeah, I’m one of those people who hates Valentine’s Day. I’ve hated it every year since I became too old to get those hilarious cards kids give out at school. You know the ones. They usually featured cat puns or popular cartoon characters and had a lollipop stuck to it. Valentine’s Day was never fun after that, whether I had someone to celebrate it with or not.

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For those of us who are sane, Valentine’s Day is a day to avoid a few places we would normally frequent.

Social media

You cannot check any social media platform on Valentine’s Day, and to be safe, you should avoid it the day after, as well. Feeds will be clogged with pictures of engagement rings that reveal too much about a man’s income and flowers that will never be watered and chocolate that was consumed seconds after the shutter clicked. I don’t care that people give all of these things or receive these things from loved ones on Valentine’s Day. What I don’t like is society’s bizarre need to shove it down my throat. Why can’t you just be happy that you have someone who loves you enough to get you a gift? Why do you have a need to broadcast it to everyone you know? If we’re close enough that I would care that you got engaged, you’ll send me an invitation to the wedding.

Popular restaurants

All the specials will have a cutesy name you’ll be embarrassed to say out loud. There’s the danger of inexperienced waiters with champagne bottles. They will be absolutely clogged with the lovebirds, meaning there will be many a nervous fellow with a box in his pocket. Do you want to be there for the awkward silence if she says no, or worse yet, nothing at all?

Any place that sells candy and flowers

It’s on the same day every year. Cell phones have dates on them. Computers have dates on them. Watches have dates on them. Yet somehow, every year, some people forget to buy their loved one a gift, or maybe they actually fell for that whole “let’s not do gifts” bologna. Well they’ll be dashing around grocery stores and gift shops like madmen (and not the Jon Hamm persuasion – Don Draper doesn’t dash) while you’re just trying to pick up a bottle of wine and a box of Easy Mac for a lovely evening to yourself.

Cable television

That’s right. You even have to be careful with TV unless you actually enjoy RomComs and Nicholas Sparks. In that case, have fun with “The Notebook” and Meg Ryan. I’ll be binge-watching “The Wire.”