Finally an exciting nominee

Published 7:38 pm Tuesday, February 3, 2015

I have a friend who is usually pretty glum about all things political, especially these days. However, when I saw him the other day, he was downright giddy.
“Johnny,” I asked, “You look like everything’s going your way. What’s the skinny?”
He replied, “I’ve been waiting for six years for the President to nominate some people who can really shake up Washington and, finally, he has. I feel like it’s a brand new day.”
I couldn’t imagine what Johnny was talking about so I asked, “What has the President done to make you so happy?”
He blurted it out. “He’s nominated Loretta Lynn to be Attorney General! You know that she ain’t gonna take no bull from all those politicians in Washington. Loretta Lynn tells it like it is. I’m so happy.”
I did not want to burst his bubble, but I said, “Johnny, it’s not Loretta Lynn, but Loretta LYNCH.”
My comment went right over his head. “Lynn, Lynch, Lincoln…don’t matter. The President has nominated Loretta, the Coal Miner’s Daughter, and I am not going to think otherwise.”
“But Johnny, she has no background to be Attorney General,” I reasoned.
He responded. “Since when did anyone’s background up there matter? Besides, Loretta Lynn can do it all. What kind of background does she need?”
I told him that the Attorney General was the nation’s top law enforcement officer and needed to be able to make good arguments for the laws of the nation.
“Did you see Coal Miner’s Daughter? Did you see how she argued with her husband Mooney? She won every one of them arguments, too,” my friend said. “How would you like to come up against a woman who wrote a song called ‘Fist City’?”
I had to admit. I would not want to argue with Loretta Lynn.
Still, I could not see Loretta Lynn in Washington and I told Johnny. “Washington is a pretty sophisticated city, Johnny. What if Loretta was invited to a high-brow cocktail party and a few of those politicians got a little tipsy and tried to make a move on her? How would she handle that?”
“Easy,” he said. “Loretta wrote a song called ‘Don’t Come Home A-Drinkin’ with Lovin’ on Your Mind.’ She’s liable to tell John Boehner he’d better stay out of the tanning bed or he’s gonna turn into an orange.”
I laughed and brought up another name. “What if Nancy Pelosi comes up and threatens to go over her head and speak to the President about one of her decisions? Nancy is a pretty tough woman, herself.”
“Piece of cake for Loretta,” Johnny said. “All she would say is ‘You Ain’t Woman Enough to Take My Man!”
I liked the way Johnny was thinking and warming up to the idea of Loretta Lynn for Attorney General. There was one more thing I mentioned to him.
“Johnny, there are some very thorny problems that cross the desk of the AG and she could not possibly handle them all. She’ll need help on the issues. For instance, what about the legalization of pot? The Attorney General has to consider all the angles and Loretta might not know too much about that.”
“Got it figured out,” Johnny came back quickly. “Put Willie Nelson in charge of that question. He knows all about it.”
My friend lives in a simple world. Come to think of it, I sort of like Loretta Lynn for Attorney General.

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