Junior E. Lee is bullish on his post-election analysis

Published 5:45 pm Friday, November 7, 2014

I called Junior E. Lee and asked when he would have some post-election analysis to share with you. Junior, as you know, is general manager of the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company, located in Greater Garfield, Georgia, home of Round-or-Square Polls, whose motto is “You supply the dough and we will cook the results.” Junior E. Lee is also a certified pest control professional. That is a rare combination these days and I am very proud of him as are the citizens of Greater Garfield.

Junior wanted to know if you would mind greatly if he waited a week or two before giving you his take on the Georgia elections. He said everybody and his brother are going to be analyzing the bejiggers out of the election and telling us why we voted like we did even though we know why we voted like we did. Junior says these people can be bigger pests than fleas at a dog show. I never cease to be amazed at how the man can work in a reference to the pest control profession in any conversation. Junior is one of a kind.

It is his opinion that we should let the other political pundits go first. He says it will hurt their feelings if we don’t. Political pundits can be very sensitive. Besides, he is dealing with a rather ticklish situation at the moment over at Arveen Ridley’s farm. It seems that Arveen’s prized bull, Lou Gene, has ticks up his nose and is not in a very good mood. Lou Gene has always had a bad attitude and ticks just make it worse.

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On top of that, Arveen has a bunch of impatient cows in his pasture standing on one leg and then the other waiting for Lou Gene to pay them some personal attention. I asked Junior what kind of attention they were seeking. He said while I seem to know a lot about a lot of stuff, it is obvious I don’t know much about where calves come from.

Junior said calves don’t just fall out of the sky. It takes two to tango if I get the drift and Lou Gene isn’t in much of a dancing mood at the moment with ticks up his nose. I think I get it now.

I asked Junior how long it would take to provide you with an in-depth analysis of the elections and he said probably less time than it will take to get the ticks out of Lou Gene’s nose and get him interested in cows again. This has been a traumatic time for Lou Gene — and the cows, too.

Junior wanted to know if there were some other things I could talk about in the interim until he can transition from pest control issues to politics. I said I would do my best.

I told him that readers might be interested to know, for example, that this week’s column is Ebola-free. Should you find yourself suddenly running a fever as a result of reading this, it may be because I opined that President Dithers seems unable to make a declarative sentence without his Teleprompters but can manage to play golf in the middle of a worldwide crisis.

Junior said that if I was going to upset liberal weenies with comments like that, fairness dictated I should also upset the gun nuts who believe being locked-and-loaded in a house of worship is what Jesus would do. I told him I had better pray about that one. I think that went right over Junior’s head.

Junior suggested I talk about the Georgia-Florida football game. I said I didn’t think you would be interested because it was no big deal. Besides, I doubt anybody in China cared about who won, so why should I? Junior said I was being an awfully good sport about it. Sometimes, I think Junior inhales too much Malathion.

It was clear I had taken a great deal of Junior E. Lee’s time. Lou Gene still has ticks up his nose and a bad attitude and all the cows are worrying that they are going to forget how to tango if something isn’t done soon.

As I was leaving, Junior said to tell you that you won’t be disappointed in his political analysis and to remind you that pest control and politics are very similar. One concerns bulls; the other has to do with bull — (well, he said you could figure out the rest.).