Time for election detox

Published 6:59 pm Tuesday, November 4, 2014

I had a bad dream last night. I was sleeping soundly until Karl Rove mysteriously showed up with a white board and a magic marker. He began to talk about probabilities.
“There is a 60% probability that the bacon you bought yesterday has 40% fat and a 70% probability that it will take two minutes and thirty seconds to cook two slices in the microwave.”
Bill O’Reilly interrupted him, of course, before he could turn the white board over and begin talking about the probability that Tuesday’s election would change everything.
The entire segment or bad dream lasted three minutes and ended with O’Reilly saying, “Dennis Miller up next with why he thinks red Kool-Aid tastes better than blue. Miller-time next!”
I dozed off for a few minutes but never went into deep sleep and then the telephone rang. At three in the morning, the telephone rings. What can be wrong?
“Hello, this is Mel Levinsky and I hope you won’t sleep through tomorrow’s election. Did you know that our country is in big trouble? The Washington establishment continues to exclude you when deciding which soap to use in the Capitol restrooms.” I hung up the phone as I usually do with those kinds of calls and tried to go back to sleep.
Donna Sue noticed my restlessness and asked, “What’s wrong, Honey?”
I was half asleep, but answered, “Vote yes on Amendment One.”
Obviously, I need a good 2014 Election Cycle Detoxification (ECD). What about you? Here are ten signs that you need the same sort of action.
1. If you can name all ten states that are within the margin of error, you need ECD.
2. When asked what you would like for breakfast, if you answer “Two Mitch McConnells over-easy,” you need help.
3. If you’re thinking about moving to New Hampshire so you can take a ride in Scott Brown’s truck, go see a psychiatrist.
4.. If every time you close your eyes you see Bill Hemmer standing at a map and saying, “Let’s look through these possibilities one more time,” you’re in trouble.
5. If you can even spell Mary Landrieu’s last name, you’ve crossed a line.
6. If you can say Jeanne Shaheen ten times quickly and not get tongue-tied, I feel sorry for you.
7. If you take a walk around your neighborhood and knock on doors and say, “I’m from Rasmussen Polling and I have a few questions to ask,” this election needs to be over for you.
8. If you are contemplating buying a voting machine just so you can practice for the next election, you’re in trouble.
9. If you have asked Santa Claus to bring you a DVD with all of David Perdue’s political advertisements, don’t leave home alone.
10. And finally, if you dream of going to Iowa to help Joni Ernst do some farm work pertaining to hogs, there is no hope for you unless you submit, immediately, to Election Cycle Detoxification.
I have been a part of America’s election cycles ever since I could vote and have already voted this year. I hope you have, too. It’s a great privilege and one that should not be taken for granted. I will end with a Mark Twain quotation.
“Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reasons!” God bless America.

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