One letter is not enough to polish liberal credentials

Published 11:35 pm Friday, August 22, 2014

Rap! Rap! Rap!

“The special called meeting of the Loyal Order of Liberals will come to order. Let’s begin the meeting as we always do with the Liberal Pledge of Allegiance:

“I pledge allegiance to liberal causes.

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The right wing is nothing but mush.

And if something goes wrong on the left,

We can always blame George Bush.”

(Yay! Clap! Clap! Clap!)

“OK, folks. I have called us together to make you aware of an issue that has come to my attention and one that could have an impact on those of us who fervently espouse liberal causes.”

(What? Bill O’Reilly joined the ACLU? Ha! Ha! Ha! Clap! Clap! Clap!)

“I’m afraid this is no laughing matter. What I have in my hand is a letter from Dick Yarbrough, the modest and much-beloved columnist who is seeking membership in the Loyal Order of Liberals. He wants to know about annual dues and asks if we take American Express and give frequent flyer miles.”

(What! Oh, no! This can’t be! This is worse than public schools teaching free-market economics! There must be some mistake! This guy is no liberal!)

“I wish to You-Know-Who that I could tell you this is the case, but a reader recently accused him of liberal bias. Yarbrough responded, ‘You’ve made my day. I can’t wait to share your quote with liberal weenies, which I will do the next time they skewer me — which won’t be long.’ He then promptly sent application to us with a promise to take Joe Biden seriously. Clearly, he is making it tough on us to say ‘no.’ Yes, you in the back. You have a question?”

“Yeah, the guy claims to have a lot of readers in Georgia but is there any chance this particular reader was from, say, the planet Neptune? They’ve got some weird creatures on Neptune. Our beloved Ambassador to Outer Space Cynthia McKinney says Neptune is a lot like Washington. That tells me it is a pretty scary place.”

“I believe the reader was from earth although his brain could well have been on Neptune. I will double-check with the ambassador the next time she is passing through the galaxy. Another question?”

“Yes, I wonder if we have misread Mr. Yarbrough’s intentions. After all, he is a member of the Fourth Estate, which has more liberals than a yard dog has fleas. Maybe something changed him. Maybe he was at a newspaper convention and somebody from the New York Times sneezed on him. It could happen.”

“Sure it could. But I don’t believe that would cause him to suddenly become one of us. Besides, I doubt he would get that close to anybody from the New York Times. Say what you will about the man, but he does have some scruples. In addition, he would have to apologize for all the terrible things he has said about MSNBC and that loud mouth that Zell Miller threatened to beat up. I don’t think he is going to apologize any more than Sean Penn is going to admit he doesn’t know his backside from a bass fiddle on any subject deeper than a paper cut. One more question.”

“Is there just an outside chance that this guy is jerking our chain? OK, so he is pretty pleased with himself for being called a ‘liberal,’ but does he really want to become a member of the Loyal Order of Liberals? Maybe he just making sport of us because he knows that we tend to be slightly humor-impaired and take ourselves much too seriously.”

“Good point. However, his application looks to be in order. He does have proof that he is considered to be a liberal by at least one reader and we could use the money. Providing box lunches for those crossing the border illegally has cost us a fortune. If we turn him down, what reason can I give him?”

“I’ve got it! We can blame it on George W. Bush. We already blame Bush for everything from the heartbreak of psoriasis to chigger bites to global warming. Why not this, too?”

“Excellent idea! I’ll give him the bad news tomorrow. I know he is going to be devastated. He had such high hopes. OK, this meeting is adjourned. Now, let’s go eat sushi and sip some Chardonnay! Liberals rock! Yay! Clap! Clap! Clap!”