Do you remember the funny character from the old comedy series Hogan’s Heroes, Sergeant Schultz? No matter how much Colonel Hogan and the fellows tried to involve him in their shenanigans, Sergeant Schulz always walked away muttering in English, but with a thick, German accent, “I know nut-ting!”
Before I get in trouble, let me say that I am not suggesting anyone in Washington might be like Sergeant Schultz, but there seem to be plenty of people who “know nut-ting!”
Here is an imaginary telephone conversation that, even though imaginary, has been duly recorded by the National Security Agency, aka NSA, aka “No Speaking Allowed” (unless we can hear it!).
“Mrs. Sebelius, it’s the President on Line One.”
“Thank you, Tillie,” Kathleen replied to her secretary with big, ole drops of sweat suddenly appearing.
“Hello, Mr. President, good to hear your voice this morning.” The Health and Human Services Secretary was telling a little, white fib. There were plenty of voices she would rather have heard.
“Katie,” the President began. “Congratulations on the new roll-out of my signature achievement. I trust everything is up and running.”
You mean he hasn’t heard thought Sebelius. “Uh, everything’s fine, sir.”
“I need your help,” the President continued. “I thought I would log on and see what the greatest thing since sliced bread was like. I can’t seem to find the website. I typed in Obamacare.great and lots of opportunities were there, but no website.”
“Well, Mr. President, it’s under Healthcare.gov,” Mrs. Sebelius informed the President.
“You mean you didn’t name the website of my greatest achievement after me?” The President sounded disappointed.
“To be honest, sir, we thought you might be getting tired of having your name associated with this, uh, piece of legislation.”
“Katie, I never get tired of hearing my name,” laughed the President.
The President was in the Oval Office and typed in Healthcare.gov and the website appeared.
The picture of a beautiful, smiling woman was front and center.
“Kathleen, couldn’t you have used Michelle’s picture?” the President asked. “Just kidding. Now, which button do I push? Uh-oh, my screen just went blank. Must be this computer.”
“Tillie,” yelled Mrs. Sebelius, “could you get me a cup of coffee and a couple of Excedrin. I feel headache number 223 coming on.”
“Oh wait,” the President said, “it’s coming back up and asking me a question, ‘Wha chu want?’ I like that. I think I will tell it I want to stay on my current plan.”
“Mr. President, don’t do that,” Mrs. HHS hurriedly said. “You’ll have to reboot your computer if you do. Your current plan has been eliminated.” Mrs. Sebelius took a gulp of coffee and the Excedrin.
“That’s okay, Katie. Where do I tell the program that I want to keep our family doctor?”
“You can’t do that, either,” she said. “Your family doctor is retiring due to, uh, well, he’s decided to go to work at the DC Dogs & Onion Rings Rolling Cart. Said he could make more money.”
“Madame Secretary,” the President said, “My insurance plan has gone and so is my doctor. Is there anything else I need to know about this roll-out?”
“No sir, I’d rather you say, ‘I know nut-tin.’ That’s working pretty well, so far.”