A most unremarkable brain

Published 8:27 am Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The brain is the most complex organ of the species known as vertebrates. Human beings are vertebrates as they have backbones and spines. Some people have stronger backbones and spines than others. There are also people with more complex brains than others.

This is off subject, but interesting in regards to brains. Generally speaking, the politicians in Washington have the most absent backbone or spine and the least complex brain of any other set of human beings. Just thought you might find that interesting.

Back to brains. I told you before Christmas that I had been experiencing some dizziness that was outside the normal dizziness that I get when I am in the presence of Miss Donna Sue. I decided to go to a neurologist, the sort of doctor that treats ailments of the brain.

Email newsletter signup

He wanted to examine mine so he gave me a battery of tests. I had an EEG, an MRI, an MRA, and he threw in the “Old MacDonald Had a Farm” E-I-E-I-O for free. After the tests, I was anxious to hear of the results. An appointment was set for early January and I figured that if I did not hear immediately, it was good news.

There were two possibilities. One, there was nothing so serious that an impromptu meeting was necessary. Then, there was also the possibility that my brain was so extraordinary that he would share the results with the American Medical Association and it would be scheduled to be put on the shelf with the Einsteins and the Edisons when I was through playing with it.

I did not hear from the doctor until my January appointment and, naturally, I was positively expectant with thoughts of the two possibilities.

“So, doc,” I beamed as I was seated in his office, “Am I a brainiac or not? Ever seen anything like it?”

The doctor seemed noncommittal and said, “Well, the good news is that I see no physiological problems. The brain waves are quite ordinary and, if anything, seem a little bored and unused. And, thankfully, no tumors. All of the tests came back and I have judged them to be un-remarkable.”

“Un-remarkable!” I protested. “That’s like saying my brain is simply ordinary.”

“You misunderstand,” the doc clarified. “Un-remarkable is just the medical way of saying that there are no physiological problems to worry about. It doesn’t place any kind of thinking value on your brain.”

I felt a little better, but still asked, “Didn’t you find anything that might be extraordinary about my brain?”

“Oh sure,” he said.

Ah, here comes the good part!

“It reminded me,” he continued, “of the little ole lady who was selling her car. It was 20 years old, but had been kept in the garage for most of the time. She never took any long trips and, despite its age, it only had a few thousand miles on it. Your brain looked quite clean and unused. That’ll be $162.50.”

Some doctors are simply jealous.