Skeeter Skates weighs in on the Middle East situation

Published 8:10 am Friday, August 31, 2012

I was in the middle of preparing a Power Point presentation for you on why House Speaker David Ralston (R-Blue Ridge) needs a campaign war chest of $356,415.19 to run unopposed for reelection in his district.

The neat part was going to be explaining the $1,000 campaign contribution from the American Kennel Club, located in New York. You will be interested to know The American Goat Association, located in Pipe Creek, Texas, did not contribute to Mr. Ralston. I think this proves beyond doubt why goats have so little influence under the Gold Dome. (When was the last time you heard anyone in the Legislature speak kindly of goats?)

Anyway, I had to stop because Skeeter Skates, owner of Skeeter’s Tree Stump Removal and Plow Repair in Greater Metropolitan Pooler, called me. He doesn’t call that often but when he does, you drop whatever you are doing.

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“Hoss,” he said, “I ain’t got time to chit-chat because the stump removal business has picked up with all the storms and I am real busy right now.” I was glad to hear that. The tree stump removal and plow-repair business has its share of peaks and valleys.

Skeeter said, “I want you to do something for me. Being as how you are always talking about politics, you must know a bunch of them big shots in Washington, so I want you to ask the president and that Romney fella that’s running against him a question. Be sure and tell them it’s Skeeter Skates doing the asking.” I wanted to tell Skeeter I don’t know President Obama or Mitt Romney all that well and was reasonably certain they didn’t know him at all but I wasn’t about to say that.

Skeeter said, “I want you to ask them why we are still over in Eye-Rack and Afghanistan risking the lives of American soldiers. Do we really think them folks is gonna change over there? If we get rid of a jackleg dictator all that’s gonna happen is one of them terrorist groups will take over and treat people worse than they were treated before. It is plumb ridiculous.”

I hadn’t really thought about it that way.

Skeeter was getting worked up. “That crowd in Afghanistan was hiding that piece of mule manure that thought up flying airplanes into them buildings in New York. They knew he was there and didn’t do nothing about it. Then they got peeved at us for putting a bullet in his head and dropping his sorry soul in the ocean. Now, I hear that Eye-rack is helping Eye-ran smuggle in money or something, even after we got rid of that Saddam guy for them and lost a bunch of American lives in the process. They ain’t got the loyalty of a pine beetle over there.”

Give him his due. The man knows a great deal about pine beetles.

I started to respond but Skeeter went on, “You think them tribal chiefs and Muslim preachers and all give a tinker’s damn about democracy? They don’t care about that stuff. They’re just waiting on us to leave so they can get back to fightin’ amongst themselves like they’ve been doing since Methuselah was a pup. They hate each other wors’n they hate us.”

When Skeeter paused to catch his breath, I asked him what he thought we should do. He said, “You tell the president and that Romney fella to get our troops out of that hellhole. Tell them Skeeter Skates said to let that guy in Eye-ran and the one in Eye-Rack and in Afghanistan know that I don’t think their country is worth one more drop of American blood and if they get any ideas about coming over here and blowing up something and hurting innocent Americans, we are liable to nuke the whole crowd into a lump of charcoal. They’d better learn it’s best not to mess with us.

“Hoss, I have a lot more to say on the subject but I’ve got to get back to work. Them tree stumps ain’t just gonna jump out of the ground by themselves. I am counting on you to pass along my message to the right folks.”

I told Skeeter I would do my best to convey his thoughts to the candidates and I would tell you about our conversation, as well. I hope somebody will listen to the man. Maybe the next president will consider appointing Skeeter Skates as Secretary of State. They could do worse.

You can reach Dick Yarbrough at or P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, GA 31139.