Plum Nelly Pitts agrees to prognosticate in this space
Published 5:25 pm Friday, January 6, 2012
It is with a great deal of pleasure that I announce the Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company, located over a pool hall in Greater Garfield, has signed an exclusive contract with one of the nation’s premier prognosticators, Plum Nelly Pitts, of Varnell, Georgia.
I don’t have to tell you what a coup this is. Frankly, it was a major commitment by the company, but you deserve the best experts I can assemble and Plum Nelly is the best. It was not easy convincing her to join the team. Prognosticating is still controversial in some places. For example, prognosticating in public is strictly forbidden in Varnell. They believe it can lead to certain social ills not suitable for discussion on these pages.
Plum Nelly was reluctant to tell me when and where she prognosticates. All she will tell me is that she uses a crystal ball. That makes my eyes water just to think about it, but that is her business. All I expect from her are her prescient views on the future. What she does in private is no concern of mine.
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Part of the deal is that she will stay away from the 2012 presidential campaign. That is, of course, the sole province of Junior E. Lee, who manages Round or Square Polls, Inc., a major division in our company and one of the nation’s most respected political polling companies, as well as an outstanding extermination business. He has made it very clear that he wants no one meddling in his bailiwick. Managing all the egos in the company is not easy but I can’t afford to lose Junior E. Lee. His political acumen is without parallel and he is hell on termites.
With that as background, I hope you will be as pleased with the predictions of Ms. Plum Nelly Pitts, of Varnell, Georgia, as I am to present them to you.
Plum Nelly starts off by saying that while Congress has an approval rating somewhere in the neighborhood of Lindsay Lohan’s IQ, she predicts that all members of the Georgia delegation will be reelected because the problem is not with our legislator; it is with all the others. This thought process will be repeated 435 times across America and we will re-elect the same crowd with the same low approval ratings while members of Congress fall down laughing at the fact that we are dumber than we think they are.
The Georgia Legislature will meet long enough in 2012 for the rest of us to get some work done. Plum Nelly believes members will then come home and speak to the local Rotary Club about how hard they are working for us. Those of us who even know who our state senators and House members are will then re-elect them so they can come back to Atlanta and freeload off lizard-loafered lobbyists in the next session. They will call their friends in Congress and everybody will marvel at how apathetic we are. We will be too busy watching “Dancing with the Stars” to even notice.
Plum Nelly predicts that in 2012 I will receive much angry mail from Kool-Aid drinking liberal weenies who will accuse me of being a knuckle-dragging Neanderthal. Their notes will be matched by equally angry mail from Kool-Aid drinking right-wing nutcases who will accuse me of being Nancy Pelosi’s boy toy. Even Plum Nelly says that she can’t figure out how I can irritate all the people some of the time and some of the people all of the time. I tell her it is a God-given talent.
Speaking of God, Plum Nelly tells me that God will soon name the University of Georgia, the oldest state-chartered university in the nation, located in Athens, the Classic City of the South, as a satellite heaven. For those that prefer not to wear wings and play harps, they can now walk the UGA campus and ring the Chapel Bell into eternity. While applauding the announcement, it will come as a surprise to many who already think that Athens is heaven.
This is just a sample of what you can expect from Plum Nelly Pitts, of Varnell, Georgia, a valuable addition to our team. You may be sure you will be hearing more from her during the upcoming year. In fact, I had hoped she could spend a little more time with us today but she says she has to go prognosticate. There are some things I would just as soon not know.
You can reach Dick Yarbrough at firstname.lastname@example.org or P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, GA 31139.