Lee analyzes presidential campaign

Published 9:42 am Friday, March 18, 2011

I called Junior E. Lee, vice president and general manager of Round or Square Polls Inc., a subsidiary of The Yarbrough Multinational Media and Pest Control Company, located over a pool hall in Greater Garfield, Georgia, to see who he thinks might be running for president in 2012.

Junior E. Lee is a Great American by birth and a Son of the South by the grace of God. You may recall that it was Round or Square Polls Inc. that first reported that everybody is leaving the Northeast because it snows there year-round and all their buildings are rusted and falling down.

Junior says Republican candidates will court the Southern vote even though we will have a bunch of Yankees living among us in 2012. However, Junior doesn’t think the Yankees will stay long. He predicts when they discover what chitlins are and that we consider them a delicacy, the interlopers will decide they would rather live in rusted buildings and get snowed on in July than eat chitlins. Junior calls that a good thing.

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Junior says it is significant that two Georgians will probably be running for president. One is Newt Gingrich, who was really born in Pennsylvania but ended up a congressman from Georgia and later speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives. While speaker, he shut down the federal government (which Junior thinks is a positive) and tried to impeach President Bill Clinton for having an affair, while he was having an affair at the same time (which Junior thinks is a negative.)

The other Georgian is Herman Cain, the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza. He is a black conservative and Junior says there aren’t many of those around. Leave it to Junior E. Lee to state the obvious.

Can a Georgian become president, I asked Junior? Sure, he said. If a guy from Hawaii (maybe) who is duller than a fence post and can’t construct a simple declarative sentence without two Teleprompters can become president, anybody can.

The biggest obstacle to getting a Georgian elected president, he says, is that there are still a lot of people around who remember the mess Jimmy Carter made of the job. Carter, of course, was from Georgia and may go down as one of the worst presidents of all time—except for Millard Fillmore, who will never be forgiven for allowing California to join the union.

Are there any other Georgians besides Gingrich and Cain who might make a good president?

Junior tells me the latest Round or Square Poll says probably not. Most of our state’s politicians would rather be in the Legislature. Nobody knows who they are or cares except lizard-loafered lobbyists. Junior’s research indicates legislators get more free meals than the president.

Junior thinks we should be grateful that none of our legislators are being encouraged to run; otherwise State Rep. Bobby Franklin (R-Cobb), aka Capt. Bizarro, might take a shot at the job. Franklin has said he thinks the United States has adopted the Communist Manifesto, that making people have driver’s licenses violates the Magna Charta of 1215 and he believes everybody ought to be able to keep goats in their yard. And those are among his more moderate views. One thing that might hurt his chances to attain the nation’s highest office is his public declaration comparing gays in the military to “unrepentant drug dealers.” That even embarrassed the goats.

I asked Junior if his polls indicate that former Gov. George E. Perdue might be a candidate. Junior doesn’t think so. The nation has all the concrete fishponds it needs and it is a known fact that George E. Perdue would rather be president of the University of Georgia than president of the United States. That way he can get in all the football games free and doesn’t have to worry about Social Security going belly-up.

What about our Ambassador to Outer Space Cynthia McKinney? Does Junior think she might offer for president in 2012 on the Looney Tunes ticket? Doubtful, he says. Running Uranus is a full-time job.

Junior E. Lee cautions that there is a long way to go until November 2012 and a lot of things can change between now and then. However, the latest numbers from Round or Square Poll Inc. indicates one thing won’t change: Based on past campaigns, most of us would believe a bullfrog can play a bass fiddle backwards before we would believe anything a presidential candidate would tell us. Even one from Georgia.