Incredible inedible half billion eggs

Published 7:22 pm Tuesday, August 24, 2010

I was lamenting, just a few weeks ago, how sad it was that no-one eats bacon and eggs for breakfast anymore.

Of course that’s not true; go to any of our full-service restaurants during the breakfast time of day and there would be many eating bacon and eggs. I’m talking about our breakfasts at home.

Hardly anyone who eats breakfast at home takes the time to cook bacon and eggs. That’s almost un-American. This country was built by people who started their days by eating a hearty breakfast and the egg was right in the middle of that most-important meal.

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The reason I’m thinking of eggs today is, of course, because of the massive recall of eggs in the middle-western portion of our country. Most of the egg farms seem to be in Iowa and the number of eggs recalled has grown to over a half billion.

That’s a lot of eggs shells to walk on!

Plus, they say “you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet,” but a half billion is ridiculous.

The cause of the recall? Salmonella.

Which causes me to think of another question. Has anyone ever eaten any salmonella croquettes?

Much smaller than salmon croquettes, but, whoa, do they pack a punch.

Eggs have been around since the beginning of time.

How do I know that?

Because I am eggs-tremely smart?

Not really; it’s just that I have read the Bible and know that on the sixth day of creation, God made all the animals. All the animals included chickens and it is only logical that where there are chickens, there have to be eggs. If the chicken would not have laid eggs, then she would have eggs-ploded and that’s no eggs-aggeration!

Contrary to what you may be thinking, though, Adam and Eve were not the first to have bacon and eggs.

According to the Good Book, humankind was not given the permission to eat meat until after the flood. That divine decision was not discussed with the animals and, ever since, has been a source of eggs-asperation for animals.

Nevertheless, eggs have been a great source of food for the world. I don’t know what we would do if we didn’t have eggs to eat for breakfast, to put in cakes and pies, to throw at politicians we don’t like, or to color for Easter.

I like eggs in a variety of ways.

To this very day, if I am having a hard time deciding what to eat, I can always heat up the little frying pan and make me an egg sandwich. If you would like to write down this recipe, I don’t mind. Begin with a couple of pieces of white bread and put two extra healthy dollops of mayonnaise on each piece.

Then, use two eggs. One egg is almost enough, but almost doesn’t cut it when one is eggs-tra hungry! These days, I put a patty of butter in the skillet to keep the egg from sticking. If you have it and really want the sandwich to be eggs-quisite, use bacon grease! It is a rule of southern style, country cooking that bacon grease makes anything taste better.

Crack the egg open and use all the egg; yolk and whatever that other part is called. Add a tad of milk to the two eggs and whisk away. If you don’t know how to whisk away, just take a fork and stir like crazy until everything is mixed up. Pour it into the heated skillet and, well, you know what to do.

The final step is to take the cooked egg out of the skillet and transfer it to the bottom piece of bread that has the mayonnaise already spread. How do you tell the bottom piece of bread? That’s easy. It’s the one that you put the top slice on, but before you put the top slice on, be sure to salt and pepper to your taste. An egg with no salt and pepper is not very eggs-iting, kind of bland.

There’s another southern favorite that has been enjoyed in my lifetime. That’s grits and eggs. I mentioned bacon earlier and if you have all three, then that is “more better” as my English teacher used to frown upon.

Grits and eggs go together like peas and carrots, as our friend Forrest Gump would say. And, just like peas and carrots, grits and eggs should be eaten together and not separately. By that that I mean, you should put the eggs (after they are cooked, of course) into the grits and stir them up together. It’s best when the egg is fried with the yolk “runny.” I know that sounds technical, but “runny” is the best way I know how to describe it.

But whether you like your eggs scrambled, fried, boiled, or, heaven help you, poached, eggs-pect to pay a little more for them. It might seem fair that the companies that have been negligent should have to eat the cost of a half billion eggs, but the only fair the consumer ever sees is that one that comes around in the summer and fall of the year and has all those rides and midways as a part of it.

I guess it’s just a sign of the times that the eggs in Iowa had to be recalled. There’s nothing sacred anymore when it comes to our good, ole American products. I mean, just look at what happened to Toyota.