Will Legislature move Atlanta?

Published 2:52 pm Friday, April 23, 2010

With the Legislature about to wind up another colossal performance of democracy in action, there is still some unfinished business awaiting our public servants.

My sources tell me that these are matters that should have been dealt with earlier in the session but those darn lobbyist dinners take an inordinate amount of time, as do the trips to the bank to deposit the contributions they get from lobbyists so they can get re-elected and dazzle us with another colossal performance next year.

Tops on the list of issues still to be considered is the School Teachers Unimportant People In Decline Act, or STUPID. This measure would establish a task force to track down the handful of public school teachers in Georgia who are not yet downsized, dumped on or disillusioned and offer them retraining for new and exciting careers in the recreation industry. These include managing the bait buckets at the George Ervin Perdue fishponds located throughout the state and raking out the horse patoot at the George Ervin Perdue Horse Patoot facility in Houston County.

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The measure is predicted to pass overwhelmingly because all Georgians agree that teaching our kids to compete in the emerging world economy is nowhere near as important as hooking a 10-pound largemouth or discovering the 101 uses for horse patoot around the house.

Another measure yet to pass this session is the anti-Martian invasion bill sponsored by Sen. Majority Leader Chip Rogers (R-Woodstock) and Sen. Chip Pearson (R-Dawsonville). This singular piece of legislation was considered only after assurances that the state is awash in money, there are no traffic problems to speak of and the bass are biting.

As noted in this space earlier, the bill will prevent the installation of microchips on our body parts without our permission, thereby giving Martians no hint of where we are or what we are doing. This should thwart any impending attack on Georgia and instead encourage the aliens to invade Vermont, where they would feel right at home. In a gesture of extraordinary interplanetary cooperation, the two senators have worked closely on the legislation with our Ambassador to Outer Space Cynthia McKinney (D-Uranus.)

Another last minute addition to the legislative agenda is the Move Atlanta Anywhere bill that seems to be gaining momentum.

A recent survey by Round or Square Polls Inc., a subsidiary of The Yarbrough Multinational Media and Pest Control Company located in Greater Garfield, found that nobody in the state likes Atlanta and they really don’t care where it is located as long as it is not in Georgia.

The poll says Georgians think that Atlantans suck up all the available water, can’t locate Taliaferro County on a map—much less pronounce it—and think Sweet Tea is a rap star. Legislators are considering moving Atlanta to Idaho, which is west of Canada or Colorado. I’m not sure.

With the move, our public servants can once again have fun dinners with lobbyists and pass weird legislation without us looking over their shoulder. At the same time, we wouldn’t know where they are or what they are doing and therefore we wouldn’t be embarrassed all the time. It is a win-win for everyone.

If the General Assembly is serious about moving Atlanta, look for Gov. Sonny Perdue to put in a strong bid for Bonaire.

“As we all know, the governor has not been able to do much for the folks back home during his eight years in office,” a spokesman said. “If we could locate the capitol in Oaky Woods up wind from the fish pond and the horse barn but near the new Little League headquarters, it would be his way of atoning for his neglect of the area–assuming we get a $100,000 tax break.”

I am grieved to say that one piece of legislation that won’t make it again this year is the effort by Rep. Bobby Franklin (R-Cobb) to get red clay declared Georgia official dirt. But don’t despair. Rep. Franklin is said to be already researching what kind of dirt they have in Idaho and if there are any Martians there.