Just what the world needs

Published 1:33 pm Friday, October 23, 2009

The Yarbrough Multinational Media and Pest Control Company is pleased to announce the results of the first survey by its new subsidiary, Round or Square Inc., one of the nation’s leading opinion research firms located in a pool hall in Greater Garfield, Ga.

Dick Yarbrough, chairman of the board of the conglomerate and a certified termite technician, said, “What this world needs beside a good cigar is a research firm that will tell people what they want to hear. For example, if you like chocolate, we can provide data which prove that eating chocolate will make you look like Brad Pitt or Angeline Jolie, or both. If you don’t like chocolate, we have results that say the stuff gives you zits. Round or Square, Inc. is very flexible.”

Yarbrough said poll results were compiled by analyzing reader mail (except those containing dirty words or written in crayon), interviewing state legislators who were standing in line to pay their back taxes, consulting with paranormal experts such as our Ambassador to Outer Space Cynthia McKinney, and where necessary, making stuff up. The poll has an accuracy rate of plus or minus (pick a number.)

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Survey results show that those members of the Bulldog Nation raising the most hell about Head Coach Mark Richt and the UGA football team (a) didn’t go to Georgia; (b) if they did, couldn’t find the library with both hands; (c) can tell you how many touchdowns Knowshon Moreno scored but don’t know the SAT scores of the incoming freshmen class (Hint: It is higher than Herschel Walker’s jersey number) and/or (d) think a Rhodes Scholar is a smart person who works for the Department of Transportation.

One hundred percent of those who believe the University of Georgia is first and foremost a superb academic institution turning out a new generation of leaders to ensure that our state is able to compete in the global marketplace think those particular members of the Bulldog Nation should get a life.

The survey found that people who have to press “2” for Spanish probably shouldn’t be here in the first place and ought to go back where they came from and have to press “1” for English and see how the rest of us feel.

Respondents were near unanimous that President Barack Obama richly deserved the Nobel Peace Prize, which is second only to the Heisman Trophy in its relevance to anything meaningful. Those who questioned how Obama could qualify for the award before he could find the Oval Office coffee pot were chided by President Peanut, who reminded us that both he and the late Yasser Arafat, the PLO’s revered peace-loving terrorist, are recipients of the Nobel Peace Prize and that the Swedes can’t help making goofy decisions because all the snow there freezes their brains.

Georgia Gov. Sonny Perdue got high marks in the poll for having had the foresight to invite Dr. Gil Watson, the World’s Greatest Preacher, to pray for rain a couple of years ago during the state’s severe drought. Atheists made fun of the governor for holding the prayer session at the Capitol. Today, Lake Lanier is overflowing with water and atheists are holding their meetings in a rowboat. Respondents expressed the hope that the governor would invite Dr. Gil back to pray for Georgia’s economy.

Those surveyed expressed a strong desire that Atlanta remain the capital city—just not of Georgia. Maybe Atlanta could be the capital city of Wyoming, if they don’t already have one. It has gotten so dangerous with local thugs robbing and shooting college students that even the newspaper is leaving town. Respondents in North and South Georgia, when asked what is the capital city of Georgia, replied, “We don’t have a capital city. They aren’t necessary. All capitol cities do is attract legislators like barnyards attract horseflies and legislators are a greater hazard to our health than horseflies.”

CEO Yarbrough says to expect future surveys on other major issues facing the state, including whether or not Georgia Tech’s spread option offense should be declared a public nuisance and banned. That poll will be conducted after Nov. 28.