Where to send the Gitmo prisoners

Published 10:18 am Friday, May 29, 2009

For once, I am going to have to (shudder) agree with the American Civil Liberties Union. They are busting their britches to have pictures released of some of the 240 detainees at Guantanamo being waterboarded by the CIA.

That is a great idea.

I believe most rank-and-file Americans would take much comfort in knowing that our government cares more about getting the truth out of potential terrorists in order to prevent another 9/11 attack than they do about hurting the feelings of a bunch of people who would gleefully dance on our graves.

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I’m not sure that I approve of waterboarding anyway. Given the characters on whom the technique was used, that seems a waste of perfectly good water. If anyone were to ask, I would feed the prisoners broccoli three times a day until they tell us what we want to know. The more broccoli they get, the less I have to eat. That is called a win-win. However, if the ACLU objects to waterboarding, you just know they will declare eating broccoli cruel and inhumane. Even liberal weenies must hate broccoli.

But, alas, waterboarding is soon to be a thing of the past in getting the truth out of these cretins. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who cross-her-heart-and-hope-to-die never heard of such harsh treatment (except in February 2003, when her intelligence aide, Michael Sheehy, informed her that waterboarding was actually used on CIA detainee Abu Zubaydah), thinks such techniques are terrible (assuming we can believe anything she says).

Instead of waterboarding, maybe the most effective means of torture would be to force the detainees to look at pictures of Nancy Pelosi without her makeup. That would probably have the prisoners climbing all over each other to volunteer for the waterboard. (“Hey, I was here first, Abdul. I’m sniffing the water, my friend. It’s your turn to go look at Pelosi.”)

In the meantime, a great debate rages in Congress over whether or not to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay and move this bunch of thugs somewhere in the United States. That squealing you hear is from Democratic members of Congress who are afraid they may get what they asked for: The closing of the prison and the appearance of the prisoners in their own backyards. It would serve them right.

If I had my way, I would send them to San Francisco, Nancy Pelosi’s home district. If ever there was a city that could absorb a busload of nutcases, it is the City by the Bay. Besides, if the area can tolerate our Ambassador to Outer Space Cynthia McKinney and her big mouth, surely they would enjoy a few additional rabble-rousers.

And then there is the Socialist Republic of Vermont. Their senator, Patrick Leahy, is hyperventilating to prosecute somebody over the conduct of the war. Let him prosecute the ones most likely responsible: the bad guys from Guantanamo. I doubt seriously that the prisoners would approve a move to Vermont, however. It snows there all the time, the inhabitants are too liberal, their politicians are goofy and the food is no good—unless you enjoy eating frozen syrup seven days a week.

One of the Democratic senators from Michigan has been running his mouth a lot about those poor, mistreated folks at Guantanamo. Maybe we can send the suspected terrorists to Detroit. There is absolutely nothing going on in Detroit except the usual murder and mayhem and auto plant closings. They could use the excitement.

One thing for sure, we don’t want that bunch in Georgia. We already have the city of Atlanta, and that’s a big enough problem for any state. If the U.S. government did choose to send the Guantanamo prisoners here, then I would recommend they be dropped off on a Saturday night at a country-western bar in Garfield. I’d suggest that the CIA whisper to the locals that those funny-looking guys holding pictures of Nancy Pelosi said that Dale Earnhardt was a sissy and only liberals drink Pabst Blue Ribbon. That would take care of the problem permanently. And save on the water bill, too.