Experts keep me conversant

Published 3:53 pm Friday, January 2, 2009

In order to keep you up-to-date on the major issues facing our state, it is imperative that I be fully conversant on those issues. Therefore, at the beginning of each year, I convene a focus group of well-known Georgians, representing a cross-section of our state’s diverse population, to explore current macroeconomic trends, review past strategic initiatives and look at future geopolitical indicators. This year, our meeting was held on one of the state’s new boat ramps, located approximately six miles from the nearest water.

The group consisted of a representative from the business sector, Skeeter Skates, owner of Skeeter’s Tree Stump Removal and Plow Repair in Greater Metropolitan Pooler; cross-dressing expert and angry liberal, Gay Blade; one of our state’s foremost political analysts, J. Randolph Thigby; and noted rap artist, B Sofine.

DY: First question: What is the biggest problem in Georgia at the moment?

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Gay Blade: You, you dweezlehead.

B Sofine: Dawg, she bad.

Thigby: I think it is our economic policies, which are manifested in our state’s …

Skeeter Skates: What the hell am I doin’ here? I got a tree stump removal and plow repair business to run.

DY: What would you do to fix this problem?

Gay Blade: Get a picture of you in a skirt and blouse and tell your right-wing sycophants that you are a covert cross-dresser. That should do it.

B Sofine: That be phat, see you pimpin’, dude.

Thigby: … legislative and executive budgetary disconnects and …

Skeeter: Don’t none of y’all get too close to me. Y’all are weird.

DY: Now, I would ask that you assess the job being done by Gov. Sonny Perdue.

Gay Blade: Unlike you, you cretin, the governor would actually look good in a skirt and blouse. Nice legs.

B Sofine: Man is da bomb. Off the chain.

Thigby: … and while the Kia plant is a major plus for our state’s economy …

Skeeter: Hoss, you show up in Pooler on a Saturday night in a dress, and there won’t be enough of you left to put in a minnow bucket. We don’t approve of boys wearing dresses anytime, but do it on a Saturday night and you will get hurt real quick.

DY: How can we improve the state’s economy in 2009?

Gay Blade: If I could catch you in a skirt and blouse, I could sell enough pictures to guarantee the state a surplus for the next 10 years.

B Sofine: Fo shizzle.

Thigby:  … it will still require intercession by the Legislature …

Skeeter: What the hell is “fo shizzle”? Why don’t you talk American? And don’t come to Pooler saying stuff like that. That’d be worse than wearing a dress.

DY: Final question: In what ways could my column help improve the quality of life in our great state?

Gay Blade: By nobody reading it, which would be nothing new.

B Sofine: Whoo, you be in that cracker’s grille good. Don’t wanna mez wich you.

Thigby: … if we are to see ourselves in a dominant position in the next …

Skeeter: I’m outta here. I’ve got a Hoober 14-inch rockshare plow blade sitting in my shop waiting to be sharpened. If I ever see any of you again, I’ll beat you into sawdust.

DY: Sorry about Skeeter. He can be a little ornery at times.

Gay Blade: Oooo! I’ll bet he’d look scrumptious in a Versace gown, all sweaty and snarly.

B Sofine: Hey, don’t go messin’ with that dude. He be meaner than one of them Bad Newz pit bulls.

Thigby: Mr. Yarbrough, let me speak frankly. I don’t think you really care about the substantive issues facing the people of Georgia in 2009. I found this whole exercise to be infantile, puerile and extremely hostile. Now, if you will excuse me, I must leave. I believe our boat dock is sinking in the mud.

DY: Fo shizzle?