Real fake news

Published 4:17 pm Tuesday, February 26, 2019

President Donald Trump will be known for many things, but one of them is his introduction into our lexicon of the phrase “Fake News.” The truth of the matter is that fake news is probably as old as news itself.

When the serpent met with Eve in the Garden, did he not spread the fake news that God did not really mean what He said? Fake News!

I have decided to imagine myself as a disseminator of news, some real and some fake. For instance did you hear the news about the Congress of the United States? Both houses’ Intelligence Committees met but adjourned quickly as it was deemed that there was no intelligence to be found in either.

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Breaking Fake News! North Korean leader Kim Jung Un is afraid to fly for fear of being shot down, so he took the train to Hanoi, Vietnam. His train pulled into the Dong Dang Railway Station Tuesday morning. President Trump, meanwhile, flew on Air Force One and landed at Ramma Damma Ding Dong Airport a few hours later.

It is also rumored that President Trump will host Leader Kim at an early morning breakfast where Egg McMuffins and sausage biscuits will be the entrees. The President, of course, will have his usual three Big Macs and a large diet coke.

This morning on the real news, I saw a picture of Kim lighting up a cigarette. It’s been a long time since television allowed anyone to be seen actually puffing away. Our President is always prepared for anything so it is being reported that he has ordered a carton of Camels to be delivered to Kim’s hotel suite, along with a CD featuring old cigarette jingles like “Winston tastes good like a (clap, clap) cigarette should.”

Back in the United States, rookie New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is angry as she can be. It seems that thirty minutes passed and no Republican mentioned her name. “Just for that, I’m knocking two years off my prediction of the world ending. It will now be ten years instead of twelve!”

Also, during that same thirty minutes another four Democrats declared their intentions to run for the Presidency in 2020. That brings the current field up to seventeen and that doesn’t even count Uncle Joe Biden who is waiting for the cows to come home.

Speaking of cows and their flatulence, the news is out. The Ford Motor Company is working on a brand, new car to run off a cow’s hot air. Its proposed name is the “Ford Toot” and will supposedly get 40 miles to the outburst. It comes complete with a cattle trailer and a hose that hooks directly to the cow’s backside. Now, when you say, “I’m running on fumes,” you’ll be telling the truth.

Bernie Sanders, one of those Democrat presidential candidates, has raised over ten million dollars in the last few days for his campaign. Have you heard the news? Socialist Sanders said recently and I quote, “As soon as the dough gets up to twenty million, I’m going to announce my conversion to capitalism and drop out of the race.”

And on the fake food news side on the ledger, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Vegetables (PETV) has finally reached their goal. Grocery stores will no longer sell lettuce, corn, or potatoes.

A spokesman for PETV said, “It’s cruel the way we rip apart the heads of lettuce, boil ears of corn, and cut out the eyes of potatoes, then mash them.”

Finally, thanks to the city of Bainbridge for picking up the tree trunks and limbs from the ditch on Loblolly Lane. That’s real, good news!