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I have a phone smarter than I am, but the question is how to use it

Published 9:42am Wednesday, November 20, 2013

If there is anything I hate, it’s a piece of equipment that is smarter than I am. Actually that doesn’t take too much smarts, but I recently got my first “smart” phone.
A “smart” phone is one of those new wireless contraptions that will do everything from turn on the coffee pot in the morning to receiving more information than the entire set of World Book Encyclopedias once had. In addition, they allow phone calls to come in and go out!
I went to the phone store and said to the very nice salesperson, “I want one of those Tarzan phones.”
I was joking, of course, but my joke landed as flat as a pancake.
“Tarzan phone?” she asked, obviously lost in perplexity.
“Yeah,” I said and began my Johnny Weissmuller-Tarzan impersonation, “Phone ring, Tarzan answer.”
Really, I was trying to say I wanted a simple phone, but wanted to add a little humor. According to her reaction, it was a very, little humor!
“How about a smart phone?” she asked. “We’ve got the latest Androids and IPhones. What kind of phone are you using now?”
I proudly grabbed for the flip phone that was attached to my belt. It was the Quick Draw McGraw action that I have learned over years of watching old westerns. I thought it was one of my best, but she seemed to be more impressed with the phone than the draw.
“Wow! I haven’t seen that model in years,” she said and I noticed a little derision. “Have you thought about visiting Antiques Roadshow with this?” Now, she was trying on some humor. I didn’t crack a smile.
“It came with the tin cans and tobacco twine that we use at home,” I retorted. Take that!
She walked me over to the wall that had only about a hundred phones and asked me which one did I fancy?
I picked out the IPhone 5s and its very creative white color.
“It’s very easy to use,” she instructed. “Apple is known for its simplicity.
You can receive emails, download games and videos, surf the web, take pictures and make videos. It can do anything.”
“What about receiving phone calls?” I asked. “Remember my Tarzan comment: phone ring, Tarzan answer?”
She finally laughed, probably because she knew she had made a sale. “Oh yes, it’ll do that, too.”
“What’s the cost?” I asked.
“Well, there’s the phone itself, the two year contract, the web connectivity fee, the gigabytes.” I didn’t think she would ever stop, but she did and gave the price.
“That’s a little steep,” I thought. “How about I give you back the downloads, the web-surfing, the turning on the coffee pot and have just a simple ring-a-ding and I answer phone?”
“Oh sir,” she said, “this is an Apple IPhone and it’s the latest. It’s a smart phone! It’s time for you to join the 21st century.”
Then a great idea popped into my head and I decided to go for broke.
“Ma’am, I didn’t see this model anywhere, but I have heard a lot about it.
It interests me and it’s a little cheaper and I think I could afford it.
Have you heard of the Obamaphone?”

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